Mother's Day for the Rest of Us - For the step moms, the childless, those who've lost their mothers...

It's that time of year, again. When the commercials and promotional emails start calling to us to celebrate motherly love. And it's a beautiful thing. Until it isn't.

For some people, mother's day is nightmare.

It's filled with heartbreak, loss, longing, or worse.

I've been one of those people for a long time. And I've hidden myself away each mother's day. I've made myself as small as humanly possible and dodged the well wishes of as many people as possible. I've gritted my teeth and smiled when the dodging didn't work.

This year, I'm working to shift that perspective.
This year, I am stepping into my feminine power and fucking celebrating myself.

I encourage to read on, if you're also struggling. But know this - no one (including me) can tell you what is right or wrong for you to feel this mother's day. I am making this shift because I feel ready. But it took a lot of years of cocooning to heal the hurt and broken parts of me that ached on this day. Truth be told, they still ache. A lot.

 

 

Why mother's day is hard for me

I'd like to give you some perspective, here. It's not necessarily my favourite bunch of things to talk about, but I think it's important for you to understand why I've struggled with mother's day. Maybe you can find some comfort in not being alone.

When I was a kid, mother's day was pretty straightforward. I had a mom. I loved her a lot. I made her a card with glued-on pasta shapes. We smiled. We hugged. Life went on.

I was very privileged, in those days.

When I was 21, after a long battle with cancer, my mom died.

We had one final mother's day with her favourite Dairy Queen ice cream cake. She hardly ate any, though, as she sat in her wheelchair on our back deck. The weather was warm. The sun was shining. It was a great day. She died the next day.

So, there I was without a mom the next mother's day and the one after that and the one after that... also holding memories of those last moments together.

Mother's day was hard for me, all of a sudden.

Time goes on and I find myself the step mom of two amazing kids. A role I'm proud to have. Buuuut... let's be honest. Mother's day isn't called step-mother's day and it can sting a little when you're the odd one out for these occasions. I'll leave out the details of my specific scenario for this one, out of respect for my kids.

Time goes by a little more and husband and I decide that our life has space for more love and try to bring another baby into our world. Over a year of trying goes by with no success. Planning. Dreaming. Thinking of names. And nothing.

A bunch of tests later and we discover that I am infertile from scarring caused by my appendix exploding when I was a child.

So there I was on mother's day. A stepmom who's own mom had died the day after mother's day and who would never be able to bear her own biological children. Quadruple whammy.

How I survived mother's day as a barren step-mom who's own mother died the day after mother's day

There's a mouthful.

Honestly, I hibernated as much as possible.

Of course, I only allowed myself this space after helping my kids make mother's day gifts for their biological mom. I always made sure to make space for that. It's not their fault the day is so hurtful for me, after all.

But when all was said and done and they went off to their other home for celebrations of love, I closed myself in my room or went for a long walk. I took the space I needed.

My husband always wanted to celebrate me. "You're a mom to them, you know. And I'm grateful to you for loving them and taking care of them the way you do."

And he was right. But, as many stepmoms know, sometimes we feel like we just come up short in the love department, so it never really feels like we're allowed to own that title. Mom.

Ironically enough, it was my mom that I wanted to turn to in these moments. She'd have the right advice. She'd be the shoulder to cry on. She was gone.

Taking back mother's day

Slowly, instead of feeling sorry for myself, I took back some control of mother's day in my life. Instead of just being sadly alone, I would be alone but with a little more... oomph. I started taking myself out for dinner, shopping, and spent a lot of time at the beach in quiet celebration.

This year, I've decided to step even further into my feminine power. To celebrate myself as a stepmom, to honor my own mom and the countless ways she supported and loved me while she was here, and to honor that I'm caring and nurturing to everyone in my life. Motherly love isn't just about having biological kids or having your mom here. It isn't even about being a woman. We can all be nurturing and loving, supportive and kind. We can all help grow the next generation into something beautiful.

This year I'm even having a mother's day sale in my boutique shop and I'm pretty damn stoked about it!

We should all be celebrated for mother's day (same goes for father's day, lol) ❤️✌️