Some days are just bad days: Why even a hippy can't be chronically ill and chronically happy at the same time

I titled this post "Some days are bad days: Why even a hippy can't be chronically ill and chronically happy at the same time" and then realized, hippies weren't necessarily known for being happy all the time, either. They protested the things that they felt were unjust and saw a world torn apart by anger and sadness that, I'm sure, led to some anger and sadness in their own hearts and minds, as well.

It's funny, though, because I talk about peace and positivity and self-love. I talk about gratitude and the importance of the little things. I wear tie dye and bright colors and everyone just assumes that I must be happy and living in a place of abundant gratitude at all times.

But some days are just bad days.

Living with a chronic illness doesn't just mean that I'm in pain most of the time. It doesn't just mean a lot of doctor's appointments, fatigue, and health emergencies.

It also means struggling to keep up with a job.
It means cancelling plans with the people I love.
It means spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts.

And some days are just bad days.

While I am always grateful for another trip around the sun and I'm eternally thankful for the amazing people I've had the honor to share this journey with - I'm not always grateful to myself.

Sometimes, I get upset that I am not where I wanted to be in life.

Sometimes, it hurts that my husband is working two jobs to make up for the loss of income when I have a flare up and need time off work.

Sometimes, I make the mistake of comparing myself to other people my age, my peers, my friends, my clients - and I see only their successes and measure myself as coming up short.

Sometimes, I get scared when I think that I could have a flare up so bad it takes me out of work, altogether.

Some days are just bad days.

Some days, I cry, alot.

Most days, I don't.

Some days, I need to be alone so no one witnesses the slew of negative thoughts that race through my mind at warp speed.

Most days, I don't.

Most days, I'm grateful to walk.

Most days, I'm grateful eat.

Most days, I'm excited to see what life can bring and all the beautiful things I can see, experience, and create.

Some days, I'm even grateful to my illness for slowing me down long enough to realize how grateful I should truly be - a unique perspective, indeed.

But, some days are just bad days.

And that's OK.